What a difference 5 years (and some lbs) can make

This morning I got into some deep thoughts about why I put myself on this weight loss/fitness journey. Looking back to when I started Weight Watchers, I can’t recall a specific motivation. My Grandma had just started WW herself and offered to pay for my meetings, too. I think I had originally given her a “I’ll think about it response” and later decided to go for it, but I can’t recall any solid reason. There was no, “I should do this because____” Or “I want to do this because___” I just did it.

That was over 5 years ago. Five years ago I was overweight (and by overweight, I mean obese). Five years ago I don’t remember having this little self confidence. Five years ago I didn’t badger myself nearly every time I looked in the mirror. Five years ago I didn’t dwell on what I ate or whether or not I worked out. Five years ago, despite not fitting the media polished women’s mold, I felt sexy. I remember after the first 10-30lbs, I felt fantastic. Beautiful, sexy, unstoppable. I wasn’t worried about what my tummy looked like when I sat down. I braved a bikini like I owned it. I embraced my curves and didn’t dissect what was ‘right’ and what was wrong. I OWNED my body and I LOVED my body. I had fun in my body. So what happened between then and now?!

What am I doing to myself right now? What am I pushing myself for?

I’ve been thinking all morning about what I’m doing right now and whether or not it’s a feasible LIFESTYLE. When will I reach a point where I say, “Good job, Stacy, now you’re done and can take it easy”. Truth be told, I don’t think that I will EVER reach that point and that’s simply because I continue to fight myself day in and day out and believe that there’s some notch that I have to hit in order for my world to be peaceful.

I will have to exercise for the rest of my life, but because I want to be healthy and I want to enjoy the activity. I do not want to continue forcing myself to exercise because I feel like I have to in order to fit the mold.

I will have to ‘watch’ what I eat BECAUSE I want to be healthy. I already eat well, so I don’t know why I let this continually nag on me. So what if I had a few bites of cake – do I do that every day? Every week? Every month? NO, I DON’T! I need to evaluate what I want and if I really want it.

I’ve been rethinking this whole diet plan, too. Is it practical to track my ratios? Is this something I can do forever? Is it worth it to me? I’ve been thinking A LOT about going back on Weight Watchers, but some of my concerns were that it’s not enough calories for my activity level, the foods I eat now are ‘clean’ and a little more calorie dense than some of the cheats I used to have before and if going back on the plan would take me back to a heavy carb and low fat and protein diet.

I assume that WW is designed to fit the mold of most people and most people aren’t training for races or doing P90X. They are exercising moderately a few days a week. However, they did account for those working on more intensely, more regularly, by adding activity points. When I was on the plan before, I NEVER ate my APs on the same day I earned them. I was a point hoarder for the weekend. (Perhaps this was the problem…?)

Do I really want to be a slave to any sort of ‘diet’? Whether I’m tracking ratios or points, do I really want to spend my life doing that? Food should be ENJOYABLE especially since we have to eat to survive. I understand that I need to be cautious of what I eat, but to the point of how many points it is or what it’s ratios are?

I started this post feeling pro-“back on WW today!” and now I’m rethinking that entirely. Everything that I’ve ate so far today has been ‘clean’ (minus the Zone bar) and I’m already 19 out of 23 points in. That means with an estimated 4aps, I’m looking at 7 points to cover dinner and an afternoon snack. And per my calorie counter, 19 points is a measly 900 calories. So…each point is an average of 47 calories. I just don’t know if going back on WW is going to be the ‘smartest’ thing for my metabolism.

And oddly enough, I’ve been a hungry hungry hippo today and NOTHING is satisfying me. Probably because all I’ve done so far today is think about what I can and cannot eat and how much I can eat. Uff-da.

What’s your motivation for being healthy and active? What’s your ‘why’? What do you think about diet plans/ratios/tracking?

HAPPY FRIDAY! Have a great weekend!